


No More Secrets

by Peter164



Series: Secrets [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression, Genderfluid Character, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Needles, POV First Person, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Protective Steve, Sleepovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3904906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peter164/pseuds/Peter164
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve found Bucky, but now he's full of problems. Now he can finally pay him pay for all those years of patching him up. It's his turn. </p><p>Sequal to Can You Keep A Secret?</p><p>*CURRENTLY IN EDITING. WILL POST NEW CHAPTERS WHEN FINISHED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hello

**Author's Note:**

> I do not have any serious mental issues so I will be using Steve as the narrator. I'm pretty sure he has some PTSD to a degree, but not as bad as Bucky obviously.

It was 3 in the morning when someone woke me up. I got out of bed and answered the door. Sam was standing there with Bucky. 

"Sam? Bucky? I'm so confused." I was dreaming. My boyfiend/fiancé from 1941 that tried to kill me a month ago is now standing in my doorway with the straight guy I was crushing on, "What are you doing here."

"He showed up an hour ago demanding I tell him about you. Took a while, but eventually I got him to calm down enough to stop apologizing." Sam was obviously very tired and didn't have time to deal with Bucky, "See he thought my wing suit was a part of my body, similar to his arm, and ripped one of them off while we were fighting on the helicarrier." He put a hand on Bucky's shoulder while he was talking and got a look of pure disgust. 

"I'll take him. Go back to bed and I'll call you in the morning or something." I grabbed his metal hand and pulled him inside. "Come on, let's clean you up. You look like you've been rolling in sewers for your whole life." I took him to the bathroom and worked on getting a bath ready. 

"That bird-man touched me." He looked very upset, "He does not touch the world's best assassin."

"Okay Bucky, I'll let him him know." I helped him get in the tub, "Can I touch you? I just want to help wash your hair."

"Steve can touch me." He looked up at me, very sorry. I scrubbed his hair with shampoo before I unhooked the shower head and rinsed it out, and repeating with conditioner. 

"Can you wash yourself while I go make you something to eat?" I ran my fingers through his tangled wet hair. 

"Yes." He picked up the soap. 

"If you need me then yell for me. I'll just be in the kitchen." I stood up to dig through my cupboards for something I could make him. I had some canned soup I normally saved for when I had to take care of Peter when he was sick. I'll heat that up. I got it on the stove and walked back to check on Bucky. 

"I can't reach my back Steve." He lifted the soap up to me, "Can you help me?" 

"Of course." I took the bar and sat on the edge behind him. I scrubbed his back down gently, being careful of his new arm. 

"Thank you." He grabbed my hand as I walked back to the kitchen. 

"You're welcome." I poured the soup into a bowl and got him some water. I ran to my room to find something he could fit in. He was quite a bit smaller than me now. I pulled out an old tshirt and some sweatpants. Now to help him dry off and get dressed. I sat with him while he ate. 

His hair was still wet but he looked a lot better. He needed to shave, I wonder if he knew how. I could help him. He ate quickly. 

"Do you remember how to shave your face, Buck?" I asked him, he shook his head, "I'll help you. Back to the bathroom."

He followed me. I made him sit on the counter so I could reach him better. He didn't like the razor being so close to his mouth. When we finished up, I wet a washcloth and wiped his face down. I smiled at him, hoping to make him more comfortable. 

"All better." I set down the cloth, "Where do you want to go to sleep?" 

"With you." He buried his face in my shoulder. 

"Okay, do you need anything else?" I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He shook his head, "Just let me know if you do. Let's go to bed."

He tossed and turned for a good half hour before I asked him what was wrong. 

"You're bed feels like air. I don't like it." He pushed the mattress down. I smiled at him and made a bed for us on the floor. He snuggled into my chest, "This is better."

"Good." I pulled him closer and closed my eyes.

~*~

I had to go out running today. Bucky was awake. 

"I couldn't sleep." He said without looking at me.

"Was it still to soft? Or maybe it was uncomfortable. I can get more pillows next time. Or maybe-"

"I was scared." He interupted me, "When I closed my eyes I could see them."

"Oh," I shifted closer to him and he rested his head on my shoulder, "I need to run, you're welcome to come with."

"I like running." He smiled weakly. 

"Let's go then. We can spend the rest of the day buying you some new clothes and stuff." I told him, "I'll get out some thing for you to wear and then I'll get you some coffee. You used to love coffee."

"What's my name again?" 

"You're name is James Buchanan Barnes, but all you have to remember is Bucky." 

"My name is Bucky." He sounded determined to remember that. 

"And I'm Steve." I rubbed his shoulder before I stood up. Clothes, coffee, run, shopping. I made a list in my head. And I had to remind Bucky who he is while doing everything else. I was sitting in the kitchen working the coffee pot when I felt one very warm arm and one very cool arm around my waist and a head on my back, "Hey Buck."

"I hurt you." He muttered into my shirt. 

"You also saved me." I didn't really want to turn around. 

"But I hurt you."

"And I'm all better. Even my tummy." I tried so hard to make him feel okay. 

"Really?"

"Yeah, I can even show you. It's a little bit tender, but that'll go away." I couldn't lie to him. He ran his flesh hand over my shirt where the bullet hit. This is when I turned around and lifted the cloth up. Bucky had his hair in a ponytail. He rubbed the smooth skin and made me shiver a little. It'd been so long since I'd seen him, much less felt his skin, "See? It's like it never even happened."

"But it did." 

"Let's pretend it didn't." I took his hands and held them closer to our chests.

"Can you tell me a story about us?" He had such big blue eyes. I nodded. 

"Just wait for me to get your coffee ready." I poured the dark liquid into a mug and poured in the milk and sugar that he liked before the army. I set it in front of him and sat in the chair to his right, "Well, in 1939, bit after I turned 19, you wanted to take me out to do something. This was around the time you were starting to take a real intrest in girls sexually so you were gone a lot. I was in the hospital for my birthday and you just had to take me to do something."

"It took me 20 years to be interested in girls?" He smiled a little and sipped his coffee, "This is amazing by the way."

"Thank you. Anyway, there was a movie theater down the road and we hadn't been yet." I relished in the memory, "We walked in and you said to the person at the front desk to give you two tickets to the newest movie they had. Turns out it was the Wizard of Oz, and we hadn't ever read the book or really known anything about it. We sat in the back and talked about it." I laughed, "I can remember when the wicked witch came on screen we jumped about three feet in the air." Even Bucky was smiled more, "The monkeys made us cower behind the seats in front of us and I was practically in your lap by the end."

"Can we watch the Wizard of Oz again?" He asked me, "I don't remember it very well."

"Of course we can." I grinned. I just had to track down a copy and probably call Tony to help me work the TV again, "We can as soon as I can find someone who has it. As for now, it's time to run."

We left Stark Tower running into Sam on the way out, he complimented me on making Bucky look so good. We told him we were running together 

"Is he gonna be an ass like you?" He said blankly. 

"He can barely remember his own name. He'll probably just follow me around." I shrugged, Buck was hiding behind my arm. 

"My name is Bucky. Steve, what's his name?" He asked me, pointing at the other. 

"That's Sam. He's my friend." I told him. Sam nodded. 

"Sam is a bird-man that can take off his wings." Bucky seemed very excited. 

"Good job." I pat his back, forcing him to move forward, "Let's go run?" 

"That sounds good."


	2. Remember Me Maybe?

I could not shop to save my life, so I considered calling Nat. That seemed like a bad idea, given her history with Buck. Sam was just as bad as I was, Tony would probably scare him if not mess with his head, Bruce and Thor (if he was here) are definite no's, and Clint was nowhere to be found. Who do I know that's a girl? Pepper and Darcy. Fantastic. After weighing my options I went with Pepper, she's sweet. Thank God she agreed to help me. 

"Hi, Bucky." She smiled at him, "I'm Pepper." 

"You're Pepper." He repeated. I knew this trick, when Bucky had to remember something, he would repeat it. I don't think he ever noticed he did it. We didn't need anything fancy, just some shirts, pants, shoes, some underwear. I could buy him everything else. 

We went to a few chain stores, Old Navy, Target, Wall- Mart. By the end we had a few packs of t-shirts and shorts for running, a few more different shirts with different sleeve lengths and necklines, some jeans, sweatpants, and a Captain America sweatshirt he insisted on having. We also got a button down shirt and slacks for special occasions, and several pairs of shoes. 

All through it, Pepper was amazing. She could give a very good answer to every question Bucky asked about why he needed something. She also knew how I could rent or buy Wizard of Oz using the Internet. I love the Internet. 

While we were shopping I was developing a game plan. I had been to therapy and I knew what a person needs in life. We have plenty of food and water, he can breathe fine, and he has a place to sleep if he feels he can. Physiological needs are done. Next step is making him feel safe. I need to help him to understand that no one will hurt him, me, or anything else he loves. Then I can work in friendships, I can help rebuild what we had. Only after that will we be able to make him feel better about himself. 

~*~

Bucky was in the kitchen digging through my cupboards. He found the box of Pop Tarts I had in the back and started stuffing his face. 

"Calm down buddy." I told him, "You'll make yourself sick."

"But I'm so hungry." He said with his mouth full, "I haven't had a full stomach since I can remember." That made my heart sink to my stomach. Pierce starved him. 

"Well don't fill up on snacks. I'll make you something. I've gotten better at cooking since I've been here." He was starting to look nervous, "Still not as good as you obviously."

"I don't remember cooking." 

"It'll come back." I nudged his shoulder. I wanted to kiss him, but that might shock him too much. Pasta is good, and easy, and it gave me time with Buck. 

"I remember apple pie," He told me. Wasn't all that surprising, he loved making it and I loved eating it almost as much as apple cake. I was about to congratulate him and shrug it off, but he kept talking, "You were telling me about a dream and I grabbed your hand. You were crying and I had to get on the floor." 

"What?" I couldn't believe what he was telling me. He remembered the night before the game when I had passed out. I had dreamt about last month, 70 years ago. I sat next to him and let the noodles boil. 

"And I did this," He reached out and grabbed my face, rubbing under my eyes, where tears would be. It took all my self control to turn my head and kiss his hand, "And to calm you down I talked about a baby."

"Do you remember when this was?" Maybe I could figure out a pattern. 

"No, I just remember pieces. Little glimpse and it's gone. That's the longest thing I remember." He seemed upset. 

"What else do you remember?" He might be remembering important things to him, before the rest. 

"A necklace with stars on it, a little bit of a song, ducks." He listed off. Our engagement 'ring' and the night he almost told me he loved me. This couldn't possibly be his most important memories. Then what could it be? To test something I started to sing the chorus to Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree, lucky I still had my old Andrew's Sisters record. 

"Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, with anyone else but me, no no no don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, 'till I come marching home." I paused to see if he could finish. It took him a minute, but he could. 

"Don't go walking down lover's lane with anyone else but me, anyone else but me, no no no don't go walking down lover's lane with anyone else but me, 'till I come marching home." He smiled at me and nodded. He was remembering. 

"Do you remember what you were doing?" I remember what he was doing, he was rubbing my chest and shoulders, moving my face to his. 

"No, but it feels important." He said, "Do you know what's important about a necklace? That feels like it's the most important thing."

"You gave it to me as a present." I left it at that. 

"Why would I give that to you?" He looked frustrated. 

"Let's wait to remember more, before I tell you. It's a long story and it'll overwhelm you." It wouldn't, but I didn't want to tell him and have him change his mind about me and leave. 

"Okay. Tell me soon. It's bothering me." He looked up at me. 

"Deal." I didn't want to tell him. 

~*~

"Steve!" Bucky moaned on the couch, "My head is exploding."

"No it isn't. It's just a headache." I rubbed his back. He'd been hurting for 20 minutes now and hadn't stopped complaining. 

"Yes it is Steve." He groaned again. 

"You've always been such the drama queen." I chuckled. He glared at me. I sighed and paused the music on my phone I was just learning how to work, "Where does it hurt?"

"Right between my eyebrows." He rubbed the area. 

"Please don't tell me I have to kiss it better." actually, I will gladly kiss it better. 

"What's a kiss?" He asked me. 

"You don't know what a kiss is?" How do I explain this without kissing him and still make it not sound disgusting? He shook his head, "Well it's when two people who love each other put their faces together and press thier lips together."

"Is it supposed to feel good?" Bucky was confused. 

"Most of the time it does. Especially if you really like someone." I thought about Bucky's old kisses and Natasha's kiss. Not even a competition.

"That's weird." He said. 

"Maybe." I shrugged, he moved to snuggle into my chest. He put his head right where my heart and smiled. He just sat there for a while. I thought he had fallen asleep, but he talked again. 

"Thank you for taking me in Steve. Your heart sounds different from what I remember." He grabbed the hem of my shirt, not pulling it, just keeping his hand around the cloth. It was comforting, in a weird way. 

"It's not a problem. And it probably sounds different because when I was little I had all my heart problems that made it sound too irregular. Now It sounds normal." I explained to him.

"You're pretty." He closed his eyes and rested on my chest. 

"Hey Buck, tomorrow is Sunday." I ran my fingers through his hair, "On Sundays I take care of this kid that lives in Queens. His aunt needs the free time and Peter needs some more guys in his life."

"That won't be a problem." Bucky opened his eyes again and looked up at me, "Just make sure he can stay out of my way if he needs to."

"Of course." His hair was so soft and silky after his shower. He relaxed and into me. I waited for him to fall asleep, which didn't actually take that long, and I called Sam. He's a therapist, maybe he could give me some suggestions to help his memory. 

"I don't know a lot about brainwashing, Steve." He told me, "I know that to erase memory completely you need to do damage to the brain. They probably just blocked them, which is why he can still remember you. I suggest you should treat it like memory loss disease."

"Well what would I do for that?" I made sure to keep him asleep, Buck had never liked doctors or therapists, he'd been to both. The needles scared him. 

"First figure out the cause." I heard a small ding in the background, "For him it could be depression, stress, sleep deprivation, or nutritional deficiency. He's probably not on any medications. And as long as you keep him away from tobacco, alcohol, and any and all harmful drugs he should be okay in that area."

"So make sure he sleeps and let him hang out with Bruce sometimes. That rules out two things. I'd be surprised if he wasn't depressed and malnourished actually." Bucky shifted on my stomach, "He told me today actually how he didn't remember what it felt like to have a full stomach."

"Go get his blood drawn and see what vitamins he needs, that can help a lot." Sam said, "Then we can take it from there." Bucky started opening his eyes. 

"Thanks, I got to go. I'll make sure I get that done." I quickly hung up the phone. 

~*~

Now was when I told Buck about the plan. We were laying on the floor together, my head under his chin. 

"So I was thinking we should help your malnourishment and go see what vitamins you're missing." That didn't sound that bad. 

"Okay." He shrugged. 

"You'll have to get your blood drawn." I pointed out. 

"Nope." He said immediately, "Not happening. Not ever."

"Please Buck. It's not like you'll be alone. I'll be there." I tried to comfort him, "It really isn't that bad. The worst part is after when you can't really move your arm and it's cold for a few minutes."

"Will it make me feel better?" 

"Once we know how to help then yeah, it'll help a lot." I explained how it would improve everything. He nodded. 

"Don't leave me in there and I'll do it." He said. This was my biggest accomplishment of my life. I got Bucky to willingly get blood drawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly based on my own absolute fear of needles and the times I've had to draw blood for testing. It was so worth it when Celiac test came back negative. I ate bread until I was sick.


	3. Snow White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going Andrew Garfield on this one, even though Toby Maguire is my favorite.

At ten o'clock Peter showed up with his crooked smile. He always had a backpack of movies, books, CD's, and video games for me to help catch up. I was making Bucky's coffee when he showed up. 

"Hey Steve, why does it smell like coffee, you don't drink coffee." He smiled at me. Bucky walked in before I could answer, "Oh. Who's that?" 

"Peter, this is Bucky. Buck, this is Peter." I introduced them to each other, "Remember, I told you he came over on Sundays." Bucky looked unimpressed, "He'll be like that until he gets coffee." 

"Are you guys together?" He asked me. Buck didn't hear him. 

"That's a long story for when he hides in the bedroom." I promised to tell him later. 

"I see, it's the 'it's complicated' tab on Facebook." Peter told me. I still don't know how to work that stupid website. 

"Sure." I pat his shoulder. Bucky got his cup of coffee and sat in the corner chair, "Hey, Buck why don't you go red something. I have a lot of books in our room that you might like. Try out The Hobbit."

That got him away. I didn't want him to have a breakdown in front of Pete and he really wasn't ready for friends. He stood up with his mug and walked into our room. 

"Story with Bucky." Peter sat down across from me. 

"Well, he's been my friend since 1927." I started, "We first got together a week or two after my 21st birthday and he got drafted. Went off to war, I got my serum and found out he got captured. They experimented on him."

"Oh my god. That's horrible." He was shocked. 

"Child's play. I got him out, he was dying, and went right back in to help me attack HYDRA. And he fell off a train and lost his arm, hence the metal replacment. I thought he died," I had to pause, "Whatever they did to him helped him survive, barely. He ended up recaptured and they did more experiments on him, brainwashed him and turned him into nothing more than a weapon. Last month he was sent to kill me. Something triggered and he remembered something I guess, but he saved my life and showed up here last night."

"That is very complicated." Peter listened to the whole thing, "But you were together at one point?" 

"And it was the best six months of my life." I create aware of the chain around my neck and tucked into my shirt. 

"Did you guess ever have sex?" 

"What?"

"Did they call it something different in the 40s?" He relaxed into the chair. 

"Peter, are you thinking you're gay?" I asked him. I did almost the same thing with Bucky when I was interested in guys. 

"Not gay, just a little curious maybe. And I might be crushing on someone who just happens to be a guy." He said awkwardly.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked. 

"It's complicated." He adjusted himself. 

"You broke up and you both regret it, but neither of you really know what to do." I knew exactly what was going on. 

"Dating tips from a 90 year old." He chuckled a little. 

"I thought the elderly were wise." I punched his shoulder lightly. 

"I guess. You never answered my question." He looked very smug. 

"Okay, fine." I threw my hands up in surrender, "Twice."

"Really?" He didn't seem to believe me. 

"Yeah." I nodded, "Now I get to ask you something." His face dropped, "Who are you curious about?" 

"Oh, uh, no one, you probably wouldn't know him." He panicked. I sat and waited, "Harry Osborne."

"The kid from Oscorp?" That was some pretty high standards. 

"We were friends when we were little and he's become really good-looking. I don't know." He smiled a little. All of a sudden, I heard a scream from in the bedroom. I'm not even sure when I got up, I just was kind of there. Bucky was bawling and fighting the air. I yelled for Peter who came running in. I had to climb on top of him to get anywhere and I needed help with his legs, which was Pete's job. I sat on his stomach and held his arms down by the wrist. 

He was yelling at nothing, trying to tell them to stop it, it hurt, I even heard a few 'kill me's in there. 

"You're name is James Buchanan Barnes." I tried to talk calmly, "You're in New York with me. I'm Steven Grant Rogers. You're safe." I went through every comforting thought in my head. My hand slipped on the smooth metal of his arm and he wasted no time giving me a big bruise on my cheekbone. I finally decided on telling him a story. 

"Do you remember Snow White? You called me sneezy for almost a month. I got upset and called you Dopey. And whenever I left the house you reminded me not to take apples from strangers. Remember that?" He stopped thrashing so much, but kept on crying. I started another story, "You took me to a baseball game right before you left. We went to a park and there were ducks, they all came up and surrounded me. One baby duck climbed onto my lap and I jokingly called myself Snow White. You almost said something to me, but you couldn't. Try to remember what it was, Bucky."

He stopped screaming, now he was just crying. I climbed off of him and Peter let go off his ankles. I sat next to him and he curled up next to my legs. The teenager knew he should leave. I pulled up my friend and let him burry his head on my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair, that seemed to calm him down. 

"Can we watch Snow White?" He asked me. His face was warm through my shirt. 

"If I can find someone who has it." I smiled even if he couldn't see me, "Can Peter watch it with us?" 

"Yeah." He sat up and wiped his eyes, "Let's go." He tilted his head at me. Then he saw the bruise, "Steve, I hurt you."

"You were scared and violent." I rubbed his shoulder, "And besides, I've taken worse hits."

"By me."

"Buck, that wasn't you. That was the weapon they turned you into." I told him, "Now let's go find Snow White." He nodded and we walked into the living room. Peter was sitting on the couch on his phone, smiling. Probably texting Gwen, or possibly Harry, who knows. 

"Oh, hi." He looked up, worried. He turned to Bucky, "How are you doing?" 

"Better." He clung to my arm again. 

"That's good." Peter smiled, but you could tell he was a little scared. He glanced at my face, "I'll get some ice." I wanted to protest, but Buck would probably kill me if I did. 

"Do you know anyone who has Snow White?" I asked him as I pressed the big of ice to my cheek. 

"I think I do actually." He said, then rapidly tried explaining himself "I had a lot of friends that were girls and-" 

"We don't care if you watched Princess movies Pete." I told him, I certainly wasn't the most manly man ever. After mom died, I lived in the biggest gay neighborhood ever. 

"I'll call Aunt May." He smiled and picked his phone back up. 

~*~

We were all sitting on my little couch. There wasn't really a lot of room, Bucky sat on the ground in front of me. The huntsman really freaked him out, but not as much as the forest part. He grabbed my leg and wouldn't let go until she was at the cottage. When they were all dancing, he actually managed to sit still long enough for me to French braid his hair. Peter was very happy to be watching it again. He seemed to love Dopey and the animals. 

When the Queen died, Bucky just sat there, shocked into nothing more than, "What the fuck?" Peter and I both laughed at him, "Why are you laughing? She just got struck by lightning, crushed by a boulder, and eaten by vultures. That deserves a what the fuck."

"You're just so cute." I had let my guard down and it just sipped out. 

"I am the world's greatest assassin, I am not cute." He joked, that was nice, "However, Steve before he joined the army was adorable." 

"You guys are so sweet you're going to give me a cavity." Peter smiled at us. 

"Now I feel like I need to bunch a wall to get my manliness back." Bucky leaned back between my legs and rested his head on my lap. 

"This is a strict no manliness day." I scolded him, "We will sit and watch Titanic and weep at beauty."

"That actually sounds really fun." Peter said, "I think it's even on Netflix."

"Let's watch Titanic then." I put the younger in charge on finding it, "You know, we should just have a girl sleepover during the day."

"Like braiding each other's hair and doing nails?" He asked me. 

"Yeah." I smiled, "We are three grown men, except Peter who is almost there, and I see no reason who we can't watch cheesy romance movies and do hair and nails together."

"Let's do it."

"Awesome. We need to go to the store and get supplies. Peter, call Harry. I won't take no for an answer." I thought about what we needed, "Bucky, you can just sit there and look pretty."

The teen was already on the phone. It sounded like a very awkward conversation. I couldn't hear what Harry was saying, but Peter was getting excited. 

"He said he'd be happy to come." He smiled broadly, holding the phone away from his mouth. 

"Tell him I can come get him and he can shop with us." I couldn't wait to see them together.


	4. Slumber Party

Harry was the last person I would expect to accept the offer of nail painting and chick flicks. At least Pete told him to bring pajamas. The store trip was fun, to say the least. We went to get snacks first, popcorn, red vines, soda, chocolate, starbursts, everything we could get our hands on. We got headbands, hair ties, bobby pins, and hair clips. We even found mud masks with pictures of women with fruit on their eyes. 

I told them to pick out their favorites, Peter got a strawberry one, Harry picked a pomegranate, Bucky had coconut, and I got apricot. Then we went to the nails. 

"Okay, guys. Pick the color that speaks to you on a spiritual level." I sounded like a very gay man, but that was to be expected. 

"I'm going all the way." Peter picked up the brightest, most neon pink on the shelf, "I have no shame."

"Youre ridiculous. I'm thinking something a bit more subtle." Harry held up a pale shimmery purple, "One has to ease his way out of the closet." 

"What?" His friend dropped his jaw. 

"Oh yeah, I'm gay." He smiled. 

"Since when?"

"Since I was like 14." Harry laughed. "I even had a boyfriend like a year ago. Dad didn't know obviously."

"I don't know what to think right now." He blinked rapidly. 

"Peter you can make out with him at the house, right now we're picking out nail polish." There was the gayness I was missing in my life, "I want something blue. But not a bright blue, like a turquoise color." Pete picked up a bottle and showed me, "Yes, perfect."

"I'm getting black, like my soul." Bucky said. 

"Only if we get to put glitter on it." I told him. 

"Fine." He picked up two bottles and through them in the cart. We got a white nail art pen, because plain nails are boring. 

~*~

We picked up Peter's pajamas when we drove by his house. He plugged his phone into the stereo, it was Tony's car so he could do that, and turned on music. We drove home listening to Lady Gaga and Beyónce.

"Why do you even have this on your phone?" Harry asked him. 

"Because reasons, obviously." He jokingly rolled his eyes.

"That tells me so much. Thank you for the enlightenment." He laughed and his head fell on Peter's shoulder. He stayed for a second before jerking back up, "Sorry, that was probably awkward for you now."

"It wasn't. I actually liked your head there." He said awkwardly, Bucky fell asleep in the car. 

"Oh. Well I'll keep it there then." Harry put his head back where it was. They were pretty quiet the rest of the way. 

~*~

We gathered up a bunch of blankets and pillows and started the movie. We got out the nail stuff and got to work. Peter and Harry, Bucky and I working on the other's nails. I did most of the detail work. Peter wanted poka dots, Harry got hearts, Buck stars. He painted little stars on mine too. 

"So we match." He said when I asked. We all climbed under the blankets of our floor bed and watched Leonardo Dicaprio draw naked women. 

Bucky was in tears by the end, and Harry was getting emotional too. Both of them were begging Jack not to let go. 

"Buck, are you okay?" I asked him. He shook his head. 

"They loved each other so much, and now look at them." He cried. I had gotten out tissues for him and he'd used up half the box. 

"Do you want some ice cream?" I rubbed his back. He nodded, "Does Harry want ice cream too?" 

"Just because it's good. Not because I'm about cry, that's definitely not the reason." I rolled my eyes and got them both bowls full of the dessert. Peter complained about not getting any, "You aren't crying."

"You can share with me in you don't mind." The CEO said. His friend agreed, nervously. 

"I'll go get another spoon." I delivered it to him and sat back down with Bucky. After Titanic, we picked out a funny movie to cheer everyone up. Peter had brought a bunch of movies and picked one. He didn't tell me what it was called, but he popped it in the player. 

I went to get popcorn, the ocean made Buck need to pee, so the two kids were by themselves. I wanted to know what would happen so while the popcorn was popping I peaked my head around the corner to see what they were doing. 

They were laughing at some joke I didn't get. Something about a thing that they did when they were little. Harry put his head on Peter's chest and told him it was still his fault. They sat there for a while. It was agonizing to watch, they just needed to kiss already. I was about to walk up and smash the faces together when Peter put a finger under Harry's chin and pulled his face up. I almost squealed like a pig when they finally kissed. Harry pulled back a little bit but Pete closed the gap again. Thank God they didn't hear the microwave, so I could keep watching them. 

I hurried as fast as I could to get the snack in a bowl so I could sneak into the living room. Sadly Bucky made it out of the bathroom so I had to walk out first. Pete's hand was still on his face, when he heard my footsteps he jerked back, but I knew. I set the popcorn down on the floor next to me. 

"What's up?" I wanted to hear their explanation, Harry responded. 

"Nothing. Just talking, making fun of each other. Peter's a bit of an idiot." He said quickly. The look on Peter's face was the absolute 'I fucked up' face. 

"I wanna watch the movie." Bucky plopped himself down on my lap and snuggled into me. 

"Fantastic idea." Harry smiled awkwardly and played the movie. The opening credits started. 

~*~

I later found out the movie was called Napoleon Dynamite. Peter commented that he had never heard me laugh so hard and it even made Bucky giggle. That is an accomplishment. Sadly it ended, at least there was a beautiful wedding with Kip singing a beautiful song and Napoleon giving them a horse. Pete pulled me over to another room to talk.

"Steve, I think I messed things up." He told me, "I figured I'd go for it with Harry and now I'm pretty sure he never wants to see me again."

"Don't tell yourself that." I said, "I grew up when everyone told me I couldn't love Buck, did that stop me? I had actually had crushes on a lot of guys, who were gay, and they gave me very mixed signals before they finally confessed to me. By then I had moved on and didn't care anymore." I crossed my arms, "And I might of saw you guys kissing just letting you know."

"I couldn't tell if he was into it." At least he wasn't upset with me. 

"Trust me when I say that he was definitely into it." I encouraged him, "I also think that it probably shocked him and he's not sure what to do. I have an idea actually. Can you stay the night?" 

"I don't see why not. What's the idea for?"

"He's most likely looking for confirmation that you actually like him and aren't using him as a kind of test for your sexuality." I explained, I knew because I was in the same position, both ends of it. 

"So what does that have to do with spending the night?'

"Ask him to stay here. If he says yes, or is upset about not being able to, then he likes you too." I stated. 

"That might actually work." He looked a lot happier, "And by the way, I think Bucky loves you too."

"He barely remembers me, I don't think he loves me."

"Anyone who can see the way he looks at you can tell. It's like in Disney movies, I'm not even kidding." He still couldn't convince me. Bucky had been through so much, I'm amazed he even knew the necklace, or the ducks, or even apple pie, "We both have problems with our future boyfriends. Your's needs to remember, mine needs to give me less mixed signals."

"He's not my future boyfriend." I shook my head, "He's my future husband, if he remembers everything."

"Wait, what? Is this your wishful thinking or-" 

"No we were engaged-ish. It was pretty illegal for us to even share a bed, which we did every night for more than a year. He bought me a necklace instead of a ring and told me that once it was okay then we could get married." I explained to him, fingering the chain I still wore under my shirt. 

"Is that what that is? Your engagement ring?" He looked at it, while I pulled out the little stars at the end. 

"We should get back to the guys." We started heading back. 

"Keep it out, it's pretty and it might help with his memories." He smiled at me. Bucky's jaw dropped when he saw it. 

"I know that." He stared at my neck, shocked, "I don't know why exactly, but I know that."

"Think about it and let me know." I could see Pete, looking pleasantly surprised. 

"Hold on, I remember Clara. We were watching Stark's show the night before I left." I listened intently, "You were MIA and I was terrified you would find stairs and fall down them and kill yourself." He blinked rapidly, "I found you in the Army section and I went to a jewelry tent. I was getting married I think. But I don't remember any girls other than Clara and it wasn't her. Remember the Parker family. That's what the person said."

"My grandparents were jewelers." Peter interupted, "They used to talk about a pretty soldier that came by looking for something for his fiancé named Sarah."

"I don't remember a Sarah other than Steve's mom. I do remember blue eyes, and blonde hair." He nodded. It was like he had it just out of his grasp, "This is agonizing, I can't remember who it was." He sat in concentration a bit longer before giving up. I was devastated, he was almost there. 

"Try again later." I urged him, "I'm sure you'll get it soon."

~*~

We were having an actual slumber party, on the floor. Buck was curled around me, just like when I was little. Harry and Peter were still awake, they were just feeling each other's hands. It was really cute. Finally, I drifted off. It was easier than I thought it would be with Bucky's arm around my shoulders. 

I always had weird dreams. I still had my old art journal and I flipped through that once. I found the picture of Bucky I drew and I dropped it and almost screamed. Tonight I have to say was one of the weirdest ever. Unlike most nights, I only got tiny little flashes of color and sound. 

First I saw rows of yellow daisies. Then Maria telling Bucky and I something that made us both cry, but I'm pretty sure it was happy crying. Lots of pink and then and a little girl laughing. Natasha was sitting with Bruce with a baby between them. She was teaching a girl with bright red hair, who was maybe 6 years old, ballet. It made me unnaturally happy to see them together. 

I woke up that morning wondering if Nat was pregnant, and when she hooked up with Bruce. I figured I'd call her. She knew about a few of my weird dreams. 

"Hey, Nat." I woke up first, as always, and she was always awake. Sometimes I wonder if she ever sleeps, "I had another one." 

"Yeah? What was it this time?" She asked. 

"I'm not really sure. I think you and Bruce are going to have a daughter together." It wouldn't be the first time I dreampt about someone else. 

"That isn't possible." She said, very absolute. 

"Well, who knows, things happen, you guys might-"

"No, I mean I am physically unable to have children." She said, she sounded upset. 

"Oh. Well then, you're going to get very close with a baby girl, that has hair reder than your's." I told her. 

"Then maybe it's just a normal dream." 

"This doesn't feel normal though."

"Who knows. We'll have to wait and see."

"I don't like waiting.


	5. Dogs & Dinners

I brought the boys back to their homes and walked in the door to see Bucky laying on the couch on my laptop. 

"What are you doing?" I didn't really have anything to hide, but it was still a little nerve wracking. 

"Looking at stress reducing hobbies." I picked up the paper he had sitting next to him, "Most of them also help with depression."

"You think you're depressed?" I knew when I thought I lost Buck I was really depressed, but I didn't realise it until after the fact. 

"I know I'm Depressed." He kept scrolling. I looked at what he wrote down. 

_Dog (ask Steve)_  
_Writing (things I remember?)_  
_Reading_  
_Knitting/crochet/sewing_  
_Running/walking_  
_Cooking_  
_Music_  
_Piano_  
_Dancing_  
_SNUGGLE STEVE!!!!!_

I took him up on his last offer and scooted him over do I could lay down next to him. He rested his head on my shoulder. He was reading about how being around loved ones can help with anxiety. I could talk to Bruce later about books we could read together. 

"I know of a little animal shelter down the road." I nudged his shoulder, "We can get you a puppy or something."

"Now?" He looked amazed, "I've been here for three days."

"And I care about you so I'm buying you a dog." I stood up and pulled him up, "Now go get dressed and we can go."

"Okay." This seemed to make him happier. Someone knocked on the door, Bucky opened it. 

"Steve there's a guy with a shirt that says black sabbath on it." He called to me. 

"Uh, my name is Tony. I'm surprised you don't that. And why are you in Capsicle's house?" Who else would be here. I walked over to the door. 

"Hi, we were just leaving actually." I told him. 

"Hold on, this guy looks familiar. Is he your boyfriend from the 40s." Tony asked. 

"If I say yes will you leave?"

"And you tell me where you're going." He smiled at me and walked through the door, "By the way, Steve, you have amazing taste in men. I've never seen such a perfect man bun."

"What are you doing here?" I questioned. 

"Pepper left and I was bored." He shrugged, "Looking at stress relief? Read The Fault In Our Stars, it's a little girly, but it's still awesome."

"Well we're buying Bucky a dog, so you can either leave or help us." I wasn't on the mood to babysit. 

"Oh cool. We had a dog growing up, his name was Kevin." He smiled and started eating our food, "I'll come too."

"Fine." I gave in, "Bucky go change." 

~*~

Even though it was April, he was still wearing a jacket and one glove. He probably didn't want people looking at his arm. We stepped into the shelter and went to see the dogs. Bucky found a little tiny puppy curled up in the corner of his cage. He was skinny and hurt in several places, his front left leg was missing. 

"I want this one." He smiled at the puney thing and it wandered over to smog his hand. Poor puppy walked tilted to one side, "I'll call him Tilt."

"You want that one?" I asked more for confirmation than to talk him out of it. 

"His name is Tilt." Bucky smiled as the puppy started looking his fingers. We payed and carried him out to take him to the pet store. Tony went and talked to the fish. We went to look at food, water bowls, leashes, collars, beds, toys, and anything else he might like. 

I left to buy him a name tag. I called Buck over to pick which one he wanted. A blue bone shape. I wrote his name and my phone number on the piece of paper the lady gave me, who punched it in a machine and handed me the finished piece. 

Bucky was sitting on the floor looking at collars. He picked up a red one and put it around Tilt's neck without clasping it together. 

"Can we get this one?" He asked me. I nodded, I was just starting to wonder how I was going to pay for all of this when Tony came up behind me. 

"Steve, I can buy you everything to help with his dog." He told me, I was just about to protest, he started whispering to me, "I know you can't really afford it, but this is for him. I can tell you love him, and he loves you believe it your not."

"You're the second person to tell me that in two days and I don't really think he can love right now." I couldn't get my hopes up. 

"Well you should think so because he looks at you like your his universe." He walked away to talk to Bucky about what to buy. I couldn't help but look over. He didn't look at me like that, he looked at me like he had his whole life. Well, he looked like that more in the last year that I was living with him, and a lot more intense. Oh shit. If he did look like that, it means he was crushing on me for 6 months before we ended up together. That explains the blushing, awkwardness, and clumsiness that he never had around anyone else. And it means he's still crushing on me. 

Nope. I'm getting my hopes up. He's moved on by now. I probably never meant all that much to him in the first place. He probably wouldn't fly a plane in the ocean to make sure he would never have to live without me, like I did for him. No one knew how upset I was when I woke up. Now I had to live without the one person in my life who I ever really fell in love with. And he's back now, and I can't have him. 

"Steve, are you okay?" Bucky was waving us hands in my face, "You look upset."

"I'm fine." I smiled at him. 

"We're checking out now." He was still holding Tilt, "Tony's nice. I like him. He's not nice all the time though, only sometimes." I giggled. I should stop being so insecure. I'm Captain America, I'm the one who helps others feel good about themselves. I should be able to feel good about myself. 

Speaking of which, no one knows I'm bi, even the team doesn't know, other than Tony. That'll need to be said sometime soon. I'll gather them up and tell them all at once. Then I will have to do it once, and then once again to the public, but that one can wait. 

As we walked I went to talk to Tony, Bucky was latched to me so he was going to listen. 

"I think I want to tell them." I thought he might get it. 

"You want out of the closet?" He asked me, "Well one of us can invite everyone for dinner some night and you can do it there." 

"Buck wants to start cooking actually." I pushed him forward gently so he wasn't hidden behind me, "What do you want to cook for everyone for dinner?" I asked him, he shrugged. 

"Maybe something Asian." He suggested. 

"That's fine. Just make sure it isn't too spicy, Bruce doesn't like spicy." I really didn't want another close call, even if he's got it mostly under control. 

"I can make it not spicy." He tried to curl back under me. I stopped him, making my arm stay slung over his shoulders. I started to move it, but he grabbed hand to keep it there. I felt weird, showing this much affection towards another man in public was not okay where he came from. I looked over to my right and saw two guys kissing on a bench, and that made me feel a little better. 

~*~

We took Tilt inside and set up a little area in the corner of the kitchen that served as a mini house. His bed, food, and water were all there and we gave him the toy we bought, a little stuffed green dog. He fell in love instantly, he wobbled over to his bed and set the little dog down. He curled up next to it and fell asleep. 

I called people, hopefully we could get them over tonight or tomorrow. Tony was good either night, Bruce didn't really have much else to do, Thor was in Asgard so he could figure it out himself, Nat I was hesitant about, but Bucky seemed to be doing better and could probably patch anything up with her pretty quick, Clint was shipping out tomorrow to wherever he went. It seemed tonight was best. 

Bucky went online to find recipes and I cleaned up from last night. I turned on some music that the team had given me. It was quite the change from what I was used to, but I kind of liked it.

After realising what I was about to do, I started panicking. I was shaky and cold and sweaty. I had to try to get the words out. I locked myself in the bathroom and paced around before I finally looked at myself in the mirror. I am a bisexual. I like girls and boys. I like boys. For some reason it was different saying it, I had never said those words before. I never told Bucky, even if we were together. And Tony came up and asked me. I'd never been so nervous in my life. 

I had to call him back, "I'm not ready for this."

"Yes you are. You're just a little scared." He told me, "Have you ever done a class project where you have to tell the class?" 

"Yeah."

"Remember when you were so nervous you thought you would explode even though you stayed up all night practicing?" Just talking to someone about it helped me calm down, "And you stumbled through it, and thought you were horrible until you get your perfect score?" 

"Yeah." I nodded. My throat was clenched up. 

"It just like that. You're nervous now, you'll fight through it and do wonderfully." He talked me through it, "Now go put on some nicer clothes and help your boyfriend. Hold on Pepper's talking to me." She didn't know either. What was he going to say to her, "My friend is having an identity crisis." He paused for a moment, "Okay she's gone." 

"He's not my boyfriend." I said. 

"If he's not now, he will be soon." He had to get off the phone. I followed his advice and changed clothes, I had sweat through my old t-shirt. I went out to see Buck, he was just finishing up. I got out dishes and set the table. For some reason that always calmed me down, it had an order. You always knew what went on a table and where. It was a minute or two of peace in my otherwise chaotic brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is Tilt, with an extra leg missing. He has three legs, not two. http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/06/23/article-1028681-01B6266000000578-531_468x301.jpg


	6. Out And About

Natasha showed up first, she almost yelled at me when she saw Bucky. 

"Calm down, he's my friend." I stood between them before she could hurt him, "You know about Bucky Barnes, that's him."

"Did I hurt her too?" He inched closer to her. 

"Oh I don't know, do you consider shooting me twice hurting me?" She was angry and that wasn't good. 

"Calm down, he barely remembers me. He's sorry." I slowly moved out of the way, "Bucky, this is Natasha."

"Where did I hurt you?" I wonder if he was doing the same thing with her as he did with me, but without all the touching. 

"Just above my hip and my shoulder." She glared at him. 

"Well now you can't wear pretty swimsuits." He looked down, apologetically, "Sorry doesn't even change anything. I still hurt you." He looked really upset. Something softened in her eyes. 

"Don't do it again." She walked over to the table and sat down. Bucky stayed with me. Bruce came next. I introduced them. 

"You seem nice," He said to the scientist, "Steve, I like him."

"Well that's good to hear," He smiled and say next to Nat. Clint came along with Tony and Pepper. We all sat and ate dinner. I explained who Bucky was and he seemed to get along well. His cooking wasn't as good as it was in the 40s, but it was still better than I've had in a long time. And he used to just throw stuff into a dish and make magic happen, this was a recipe that he followed. 

He told everyone about his plans to fight off depression and anxiety, hopefully helping regain his memories and lessen his panic attacks. Everyone gave suggestions for books, movies, shows, music, even new foods to try cooking. Bruce and Tony contributed the most. 

Natasha gave us a list of movies to watch, mostly saying they were Tim Burton movies. She said Corpse Bride and Edward Scissorhands were her favorites. She gave us a few authors to look into and very few bands and singers to listen to. 

Clint told us about Doctor Who and Harry Potter. He also said Sherlock and Supernatural were good but a bit violent, Sherlock less so. 

Dinner was fun, it almost took my mind off of the fact that I was about to tell them the biggest secret I've ever kept in my entire life. We started talking about one of the students at X-Mansion who recently came out of the closet. His name was Bobby. Maybe I should talk to him, he could probably help me. 

We cleaned up and gathered on the couch so I could be introduced to Doctor Who. Bucky sat on the floor in front of me and I got to braid his hair again. It took one episode to fall in love with it. Tony got up to use the bathroom, which is when I got a text from him.

_Captain Jack Harkness. He's like you ;)_

I rolled my eyes, but still smiled all the same. I have no idea who that is, we will find out won't we. The episode was ending, Rose saved The Doctor and Mickey. She was going with him, and leaving him behind. The credits started to roll. It was time for me to tell them now. It shouldn't be that hard, hey guys I'm half gay! That's not a difficult thing to say, they all love me and they won't care. I know they won't, so why is it so hard?

"Capsicle has something he'd like to tell us." Tony was sitting next to me and had a hand on my back. Time to go and stutter through until I pass. Everyone was staring. 

"Yeah. I do." I was sweating and my heart pounded so hard I'm surprised you couldn't see it. I opened my mouth and my voice stopped, I literally could not say it. 

"Need me to take over?" He asked me. I nodded furiously and hid my hands in my face, "Steve here, told me this little bit of information a few months ago and he's ready to tell everyone else. He's terrified as you can tell so be nice." I braced myself for whatever might come after this sentence, "He's bi."

I was not prepared for the hug I got from Clint, or telling me he was pan. Bruce joined in after and eventually everyone was piled on top of me. I couldn't help but laugh. When they found out Bucky and I were together, they forced him onto my lap and we watched another episode. 

That was a very bitchy trampoline. I'm glad she didn't get moisturized. I think just being around her made me a little bit more gay. I did like the tree lady. She caught on fire though, but the bitch still died so I couldn't be too mad. 

When everyone went home, they all hugged me again. Buck and I kept watching this new show. Starting from the beginning. With the first Doctor. I still loved it. It was pretty, and the girls were so elegant, but still a bit edgey. This Doctor was so funny and snappy.

I had my friend's head on my chest and a smile on his face. I just realised that we were fighting on his birthday, that's when I found out it was him. I was going to get him a present, and Tilt didn't count. 

I waited for him to fall asleep, it was pretty late and I had to carry him to the makeshift floor bed. I left a note on my side of the pillow in case he woke up and went to the store, which would be open for another 45 minutes. 

I dug through shelves and looked for a journal or notebook or something. Finally I found something. It was like an old book, but blank. The leather cover was decorated with pictures of trees and swirly designs. It looked like something from the middle ages, and he would love it. I paid and quickly went back home, in case he was having another episode. He was sound asleep and I could wrap his present. 

I found some old tissue paper I happen to have and some ribbon, probably from Christmas or something. I tied it up pretty and set it on the kitchen table for when he woke up. I curled up next to him and fell asleep. 

~*~

Morning came and I slipped out of bed, I grinned when I saw the package. Time to make coffee, I sat on the counter and waited. My phone rang. 

"Steve, I don't know what to do." It was Peter. What was so upsetting that he couldn't figure out a solution? 

"What happened?"

"Harry showed up at my house saying that his dad was going crazy. You know I'll just put him on the phone." A second passed when there was no noise, "Hello?" It was Harry. 

"Hi, want to tell me what's up?" I went Good Cop. 

"At like 5 this morning I found my dad passed out on the floor." He sounded upset, "I woke him up and he looked at me like I was messing something up. He swore at me and almost hit me, so I packed a bag and came here."

"Okay, has he done anything different lately? Changed medication or something?" That could definitely mess someone up, I've been on enough to know that. 

"Not that I know of." He started breathing hard, "I don't know what to do."

"That's absolutely fine. Just don't go back until you can figure it out. Is May there?" She could do something for sure. 

"No, she had to go run errands." Now it sounded like I was on speaker phone. 

"Okay, let her know you need to stay for a few days. She'll let you, but even if she doesn't, I have two spare beds and a couch right now." Buck still wasn't awake, that's pretty amazing. I'll check on him when I get off the phone. 

"Thank you."

"No problem. It's good you called." I hung up the phone and walked to the bedroom, he was just waking up. He grinned at me, sleepily and sat up. He still didn't sleep with a shirt on, which I'm not complaining about, but it made his scaring visible. It looked painful, and really freaking sexy. I wonder if he still liked getting his hair pulled, or if you could still see the burn scars on his right hand from when we were kids and he accidentally fell on the stove. 

I remember him crying and my mom giving him ice chips wrapped in a rag. He made me sit with him for two hours until it stopped stinging. I had to help him with his homework for a week until he could wrote again, but I think the last few days was him not wanting to do anything. I didn't mind obviously. I might of liked him a bit too much, even then. 

Bucky stood up and looked like he was going to kiss me for a minute. Instead he just bit his lip, that was almost worse. He sat at the table and sipped his coffee. He finally picked up the gift I gave him. 

"It's a late birthday present." I smiled and sat next to him, "You were born on March 10th 1918. I found out who you were on March 10th of this year. I felt like we needed to celebrate."

"So it's my kind of birthday?" He asked me. 

"Yeah." I waited for him to peel back the paper. He saw the leather cover and looked like he was going to cry, "Hey, what's wrong?" I pet his cheeks. 

"I don't remember ever getting presents." Tears started streaming down his face, "I only know my birthday because you just told me. What am I supposed to do?" 

"Whatever you want." I tried cheering him up, "What do you feel like doing?" He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around my neck. I squeezed him closer to me. It's not even really any special day, other than him crying because he wants to hug me. I loved him so much. 

~*~

It took about a week for him to make his first entry. He said he wanted to use it to record his memories and he hadn't remembered anything yet. Whenever he did write something, he would hand it to me to flesh out details. He would remember I scene, I told him what we were doing there, and why we said what we said (most of the time. I liked making him think. It mad him remember easier). If ever he didn't want me to read something, he wrote it in Russian. It was a good little system. 

I was fluent in French. I left him notes on his arm sometimes. If I told him I loved him, or something of the sort, I used French. If it was to remind him of his name, or the year, I used English. 

I got frequent calls from Peter asking what to do. Even a few from Harry. These were more recently. Apparently Peter's been gone a lot lately and his dad has disappeared completely. I texted and said he needed to tell the Osborn. He agreed to, reluctantly. 

Bucky was remembering things. And with this came some new developments. He wrote down that he only feels like a boy sometimes, but other times he feels like a girl. I'd never head of this before. Maybe someone could help me figure him out. Is there someone that knows what that feels like? Whenever I had a question, I always went to Natasha first, she knew a lot about a lot of things. I explained the situation and she said she could handle it, drop him off with her for a day and she could help him. She was very clear that it was okay and I shouldn't freak out about it. I will admit I was a little nervous about leaving them alone together. 

~*~

My baby is going to go out alone without me for the first time. This was a big moment for me. To keep me occupied, Nat gave me a packet full of information on gender and identity. She circled the title if the Genderfluid section. I guess that's what Bucky is.

When she came to get him, they talked a little before she asked if he was a boy or girl today. He said he was a girl today, so Bucky is a she. Why can't anything be simple anymore? Everything is so complicated. She told me over the phone I needed to use female pronouns on the girl days and male pronouns on the boy days. This whole thing made my head spin. 

They were gone all day long and came home laughing. Apparently they went out shopping together. I came up with an idea. Bucky liked it a lot. She could tell me what she felt like without saying anything. I got out three index cards a pink, a blue, and a purple. She could use magnets to stick them to the fridge, my shield, her arm, anything her heart desires that happens to be magnetic. I wrote She on the pink card, He on the blue card, and They on the purple card, just in case. She put the pink card up on the fridge before showing me her new wardrobe. 

They pulled out skirts and dresses and high heeled shoes and jewelery. I had no idea what was happening, but I kind of liked it. They'd even gotten her ears pierced. That was supposed to be neutral so she could wear whatever whenever. I'm still confused. But I can see Bucky in a skirt, which is a definite bonus.

Nat left after she made sure everything was okay. She checked and made sure we could figure out pronouns and that Buck was doing good. I had never really noticed before, but she was acting more like a she. Walking, talking, and even holding herself was different. It was still subtle enough that you had to pay attention to catch it. And I'd known her her whole life, maybe I'd gotten used to it. 

If she was like this her entire life, then she was switching back and forth from the moment I met her. We didn't have thus in the 40s so she was always he, not any choice in the matter really. I could remember sometimes she seemed a little upset when people said he, not all the time. She probably got really confused when she wasn't a boy. I still love her, and him. I love it all. Especially her new hair. 

That night I got to have her tuck her head under my chin and burry herself in my chest. I never got to do this, it had always been the other way around. I kind of liked it, which surprised me. I guess as long as I have Bucky, I'm okay. 

~*~

I waited for Buck to wake up. He immediately went to the fridge and put up the blue card, then he slumped himself down at the table and curled his knees up to his chest. 

"Morning." I smiled at him. I wasn't really expecting a response, he's grumpy in the mornings. Still he put his head on my shoulder and sipped his coffee. 

"Am I hurting you?" He asked me, just like before, when I had sclerosis. 

"No. It hasn't since 1941." I chuckled a little. 

"That's good." He managed a little upper tilt of his mouth, "I don't even know why I could hurt you by putting my head here."

"I had a bad back. Whenever you did this you asked if it hurt." I had to explain to him. I really didn't want to describe every illness I had when I was 20, so I passed it off as something not so bad. 

"Why would I do this?" He was getting confused again. 

"Because you liked to touch people. You needed it." Not a total lie, even before we got together, he was leads snuggling with me and hugging me and jut touching in general. 

"I still don't know why I remember that necklace you wear." He seemed to just get frustrated whenever he couldn't remember something important. 

"It'll come soon enough." Right now I had two little Steve's in my head. One of them wanted to tell Bucky everything, to kiss him and pick him up and swing him around. The other one knew that that was a bad idea. He needed to remember in his own time, to keep him from getting overwhelmed. 

"You always say that." He sighed and Tilt came go jump up, clumsily, on his lap. He was looking a lot better now. 

"I'll make you deal," I didn't want to move, so I didn't, "If, in a month, you can't remember why you bought this necklace for me," I brought my hand up to the chain, "I promise I'll tell you."

"Promise?"

"Promise." God I hope he remembers soon. I want him to know, not me to tell him he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was based on my own coming out experience also as a bisexual. I'm still actually working on it.
> 
> Also, I'm going on the comic book/Tobey Spiderman Green Goblin. Not the newer one. It worked better for the story. It takes place at the same time though.
> 
> Final note probably, I am not a genderfluid person. I have no idea how it works. I probably got this so wrong it's painful to genderfluid people. I'm sorry if it is.
> 
> *Edit: If you haven't seen Doctor Who, that one paragraph must be really confusing. You should watch it, then it'll make a lot more sense. It really is a bitchy trampoline.


	7. Another Day

Bucky was a bit odd with changing. Sometimes he would switch back and forth every day, other times he could go days without changing. Once he stayed a girl for a full week. I was starting to wonder if he had forgotten the cards. Now, a week after that, he was a boy. He was snuggled up on the couch with me, watching Doctor Who. He was also starting to touch other people. Not often, or very much, but it was a start. He still clung to me whenever he could. 

I was learning about him, he was still trying to figure out English properly. He seemed to understand grammar pretty well, but if ever he couldn't figure out what something was called he used to Russian name for it. He constantly forgot what a remote was called. Apparently it's distantsionnoye now. Terms of affection were often Russian, as well as a lot of modern objects (TV, phone, ipods) and most animals and numbers. He could get some pets pretty well, dog, cat, bird, but beyond that it was all Russian. I don't know why I liked it so much. I also managed to get him a doctor appointment for tomorrow. He was not excited for that. 

"Steve." He started crying, we had just gotten to the newer episodes and 9 was dying, "Steve, I don't want him to regenerate." 

"He has to, Bucky. He just absorbed the entire TARDIS into himself. No one can survive that." I tried comforting him, "And I'm sure that the new one will be just as amazing."

"But, he just got here."

"It's okay." I pet his back while he cried. He got emotional over TV shows, "Look at him." I told him, the new guy just showed up. He had fluffy hair, and a kind of childish voice. 

"He's kind of cute." He wiped his eyes with his hands and managed to stop hiccuping. 

"See?" I smiled at him, "We get a cute doctor this time." I started poking his stomach and he couldn't help but laugh and fall off the couch, which made him laugh more. The credits were rolling and he managed to calm down just enough to watch the end bit and see what happened next season. 

"Another one!" He cheered. 

"You know the rule." I was very strict about it. Mostly because I couldn't waste my days away watching aliens. 

"Only one season a day." He pouted, "But we get a new Doctor. Can we please break it once?" 

"Nope. Now come on, you need to eat." I pulled him off the floor and dragged him to the kitchen. Even I felt like I needed to break the rule today, but that would mean I could break it more and more. 

"I don't want food." He whined like a six year old, "I wanna see the new doctor."

"Tomorrow. I promise." I started getting everything out for lunch. He curled up in his chair with his knees to his chest, like he did almost every time. While we ate, he told me all about how much he needed to see the next season right now. I just listened. It was hard to find something he was this excited about, ever. Most of the time he sat on the couch for hours at a time and wouldn't talk to me. 

"Can we go for a walk?" He asked me. 

"Sure. When do you want to go?"

"Can we go now?" He looked like a small child. 

"Finish eating first." I pat his shoulder and he smiled a little bit. He's starting to eat more, it's easier to worry less. But I'll always worry about him a little. He's starting to remember little bits and pieces about us. Not anything to give away the fact that we were getting married, but enough for him to suspect something, if he was smart. 

He keeps writing about my birthday and giving me hugs. He remembers quite a bit about the night before when left. Things like Clara, army posters, a jewelry shop with the necklace. He writes so much about what he was thinking when he couldn't find me. What if I found stairs? What happens if I got hit by a car? What if someone punches me too hard and I hit my head and die? I think our entire relationship is me making him really stressed out about everything. He seemed to have a problem with me falling off of things. Was he afraid of heights? I never asked.

He's getting so close to remembering. But when I ask him about his sister, or brother in law, he has no idea what I'm talking about. He doesn't even remember his niece, and he loved her more than anything else. I was thinking he's remembering his life backwards, but then he knew how we met and that theory was out of the window.

He put his plate in the sink and went to get the dog. Tilt always walked with us, Tony gave him a little wheel so he could walk relatively normal. He clipped the leash to his collar and nodded for me to come. I stood up and followed him out. He's gaining independence, even if he clings to me when he meets a stranger, he doesn't hide behind me. 

We always walked the same route, he didn't like change. He loved to walk, even if he had to constantly wear jackets and one glove to hide his arm. He always seemed happier after walks. Today though, an old car backfired and he was down almost immediately, collapsed on the ground. We hadn't had an episode for a while now. Everyone around us stopped to stare, several younger people pulled out their phones. 

I had to pick him up and carry him over to the edge of the sidewalk, away from the road to keep him from blocking up the path. Thank God a few people managed to direct them away from us. There were about three that stayed behind and and asked if they could help. Bucky was crying and muttering under his breath in Russian. I didn't really understand what he was saying. They still stayed and kept the flow of traffic up.

I tried to hold onto him, but he fought. He was throwing punches and yelling at me. From the broken bits I picked up from immersion, I heard help, bad, hurt, and from the look on his face, the rest of it wasn't sunshine and daisies. I had taken to telling him stories whenever he got upset. 

"Hey, Buck. Remember when we were in 2nd grade? I was always picking fights with the bigger kids." I tried to smile, "Just about every day they would throw me in the dumpster. And one of those days you crawled in." He was already calming down, he was still shaking, "I asked you why they threw you in there and you told me they didn't. You just wanted to join me. Do you remember that?" I ran my fingers through his hair, "That's how we became friends."

That seemed to bring him down enough. He was still crying and curled up into a ball, but he wasn't flailing around and screaming. Tilt waddled up and jumped up to lick his hand. I sat next to him and held his shoulders. One of my helpers came up and asked if we were okay. I nodded and said he would be okay, it wouldn't take long and them I could take him home. 

"Do you want to talk to Peter?" I asked him quietly, "You always like talking to Peter." He nodded and I called him. I explained what happened and handed the phone over. I just sat and held him as I watched people walk by. The phone was turned up loud enough for me to hear. It came like that and I had no idea how to turn it down. Peter did most of the talking while Bucky just listened, slowly calming down and whining his face.

He told him about what he did today. How Harry was holding up, what May was doing. He told him all about what movies he liked and the book he was reading, describing the characters and the plot. He talked a lot about how much he wanted to see the movie afterwords. How it described depression and anxiety so well, but still managed not to make you upset. 

We sat there for about 10 minutes before I could get him to walk back. He wiped his eyes and tucked himself under my arm. I started up to our floor when we ran into Sam again. 

"How're you doing, Bucky?" He asked. 

"Alright."

"That's good. Are you remembering anything?" He wanted to make sure I was doing okay with him. I think I was. 

"A lot actually." He smiled broadly, "I still don't remember why I gave Steve his necklace." Sam didn't know about that yet and looked very confused. I sent him inside so I could explain. 

"Back in the 40s, we were together." I started. 

"That explains a lot actually." He interupted. 

"Anyway, the night before he left he proposed to me. And that was unheard of, you didn't do that. So, I couldn't wear an engagement ring." I continued, he listened intently, "He bought me a necklace instead." I pulled the chain out from under my shirt. 

"And he doesn't remember any of it?" 

"Has no idea. I want him to figure it out on his own so I haven't told him." I tucked it back under my shirt. 

"Do you any idea how long that might take?"

"I don't think much longer. He remembers almost everything from that stretch of time, other than us being a couple." I was terrified for him to remember, but I needed him too. I missed his kisses and holding my hand and his hugs, "He can remember us living together, sharing a bed, me making him coffee in the morning, falling asleep on me while he was drinking it, he knows where he took me out on secret dates, the night before he left to England, mostly. Hell, he even remembers my asthma attacks I would get on the middle of the night. He still asks if my back hurts."

"Anything you could do to jog his memory? It's obvious you love him." He shrugged at me. 

"What if he doesn't anymore?" That was my second biggest fear, my first being him not ever loving me in the first place. 

"Oh it's not like he looks at you like you're his everything. That's not something that he does." He said sarcastically, "Now, can you do anything to help with that?" 

"Not anything I'm not already doing." I couldn't think of anything. 

"Alright then, let me know if there's any progress." He left and I went up to see Bucky. He was curled up on the couch, watching some kind of cheesy show. He was totally deadpan. He didn't laugh at the stupid jokes, he didn't show any emotion at all when anything happened. It was a little disturbing to see my beautiful, happy, snuggle bug of a boyfriend look so apathetic. 

"Are you doing okay?" I bent down next to him. He nodded and continued to sit. I paused the TV and moved to sit in front of him, "What's wrong?" He was easier to read than a picture book sometimes. 

"I'm scared." He curled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them. 

"Of what? Can I help?" I needed him to be okay. 

"I'm scared of them." He pursed his lips, "Pierce, Zola, all of them." He buried his head in his legs. It was obvious he didn't really know what to do with himself. 

"You want to know something about them?" I sat on the couch next to him and held his shoulders. 

"What?"

"Zola got sick and died. And Pierce was killed when we were on the helicarrier." I rested my head on his and combed my fingers through his hair. 

"You mean when I shot you in the stomach?" His eyes were dead. No life was left in them. 

"I mean, the day you remembered and saved me." I nuzzled my nose in his hair. 

"That's just what you tell me when you want me to feel better." He pushed me away. He's never done that before. 

"Yeah, because it's true." I wanted to reach for him again and pull him close, but I didn't, "Bucky, please don't do this to yourself."

"Its what I deserve." He snapped at me, "It's my fault they're all dead. I killed all those people."

"Tha wasn't you, Bucky. That was the monster they forced you into being." I hated seeing him like this, "They turned you into nothing more than a weapon, that wasn't you."

"It was my bones, my blood, my own hands. I can remember some of them you know." He bit down on his lip, hard. 

"But it wasn't Bucky. It wasn't the man who went to war. That wasn't the Bucky I-" I wanted to say that I fell in love with him, but I couldn't do it. Not yet. 

"What?" He was on the verge of yelling at me, I just sat and waited for him to calm down, "I know something happened between us. I can figure that much out on my own. I touched you too much."

"You loved touching people." I explained. 

"Not like I touched you. I would come up behind you and hold your waist while you made coffee and you would scold me and tell me to sit down, but you still smiled." He's getting closer, "I would lay on the couch and pull you down with me to snuggle and play with your hair. You would tell me you had things to do, yet you always curled into me and told me what was going on in the world."

"We were really close friends."

"Why was my first thought when I saw you like this," He gestured to me, "That you couldn't fit so perfectly under my chin anymore, or that you couldn't borrow my shirts and drown in them anymore? Why did I think that was so adorable? I don't know a lot about having friends, but I'm pretty sure they don't get disappointed that they can't cuddle like they used to."

"Like I said, we were close."

"Yeah? How close?" He was just mad at me now, "How close were we? You always say that I need to remember for myself, but sometimes I could really use a hint or two."

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I looked down at my hands. I really didn't know why to do. I was terrified of him leaving me. What if he remembered and thought it was a horrible judgment call and decided to leave? 

"Why not?"

"Because you wouldn't." He probably would but I didn't want to tell him. 

"Were we fuck-buddies or something? Is that what we would do in those blanket forts we would make before I left?" He asked me. I don't know why he went to there, but he did.

"No we didn't. We read stories to each other and I would draw pictures and you would make fake judgments on them." I explained. 

"Yeah, sure." He crossed his arms and slouched down. 

"I'm going to see Tony. There's food in the fridge and my phone number is in your phone and on the counter." I stood up, "You're not allowed to watch Doctor Who without me. Call if you need anything." I left.

~*~

Luckily Tony was there. I sat with him in his shop while he worked on some big machine. We sat in silence for quite a long time. 

"So, what happened with you two?" He asked me. I hadn't even told him anything yet. 

"How do you know anything happened?" I wasn't curious really, I just didn't want to talk about it. I don't even know why I was upset actually. 

"Because since he showed up on your doorstep you haven't let him out of your sight. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not, he's not here." He spun his chair around to grab something and work on the other side of the room. He looked so fluid, never pausing, always moving. It was kind of pretty, "If you ask me, I think you shouldn't be here at all?" 

"Then why did you let me stay?" This I never understood, everyone let me in. 

"You're a golden retriever who you can't really say no to at all. It's unfair and you need to stop that." He grabbed a pack of blueberries and started eating. 

"Alright then?" I shrugged. 

"You never answered my question. What happened with you guys?" He leaned back and popped another berry in his mouth. I explained what happened and he nodded, "Sounds like fun." 

"I don't really blame him though." I told him, "His head is so screwed up right now." Just then my phone rang, I answered.

"Steve?" I heard through the line. 

"Bucky?"

"Can you please come home? I'm sorry I got mad and yelled at you." He apologized. 

"Yeah, yeah I can. Why don't you get the next episode on?" I smiled even if he couldn't see it. 

"Really? More than one season?" He got ridiculously excited. 

"Today only." I laughed a little, "I'll be back soon. Make some popcorn too?" 

"Okay." I could hear his smile. I explained to Tony and left. 

~*~

When I walked through the door, I had an armful of Bucky before I even knew what was happening. The whole place smelled like popcorn and Doctor Who was up and ready to go. He didn't let me go and I don't really blame him. I didn't want to have his warmth leave. We were away for maybe an hour, but I missed him so much. What have I turned into?

We walked over to the couch and he snuggled into my lap. I started running my fingers through his long hair. I thinks it's becoming therapeutic for both of us. We watch the new Doctor. He slept a lot, but when he did wake up, he was hilarious he made ridiculous jokes and randomly tasted things. It was a bit strange, but I loved it. I'm pretty sure Bucky loved it too. 

Afterwords, we layed on the couch and I told him stories. Not about us, or him, but fairytales. Things I made up, things I read, things that had happened to me. He just rested his head on my chest and cuddled up to me in order to stay on the couch. It was nice, calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Peter is reading is It's Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini. Read it, it's awesome. Or watch the movie, which is also awesome.


	8. A Not So Normal Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on making this even later in the series, but at this point even I'm in agonizing emotional pain, needing this to happen. So here you go.

The day had started off fairly normal. I woke up and made Bucky's coffee. He got up and put the blue card up on the fridge. He sat in his chair next to mine and sipped his drink. I didn't have anything to do (other than the doctor appointment) , so we could catch up together. So far we were around 1980. 

We watched the Back to the Future movies until we had to go. He was still self conscious about his arm, so he put on a jacket and a glove. I wonder how he doesn't sweat so much in June. I smiled at him and climbed in the car, I didn't really want to walk today. He fidgeted the entire drive, getting really anxious. You could see it in his face. 

~*~

It was pleasant inside. Large chairs created a small area with TVs playing quietly on the corners of the ceiling. I told him to sit and wait for me. He nodded and picked a chair across from a teenage boy with a cast on his leg who was sitting with a middle aged woman I assumed to be his mom. He was wearing a Captain America t-shirt and I felt a familiar swell of pride that I was making an impact. Bucky sat and curled and uncurled his hands, crossing and unctossing his ankles.

I signed him in and sat next to him. The teenager's eyes widened. I winked at him and I saw a small grin. 

"Steve, what if they take out too much blood and I can't walk anymore?" He asked me, pulling on my sleeve. 

"They're very careful about it." I assured him, "You'll be fine."

"But what if I'm not?" He looked up at me with his big blue eyes. 

"Then I will be very upset and I'll tell you about the necklace." I smiled at him. 

"That doesn't make me feel better." He whined and crossed his arms. 

"Hey," The teenager said quietly, "Is he getting his blood drawn?" 

"Yeah. He's just afraid of needles." I explained, patting Bucky's shoulder. 

"Let him talk to someone he likes a lot. I call my dad and that helps." He suggested. 

"Thanks." I nodded and asked what his name was. 

"David. Are you Captain Rogers?" He looked ridiculously excited. I nodded, "My grandpa said he fought with you. He told me a lot about you."

"Hopefully all good things." I laughed a little. 

"Did you really used to jump out of planes without a parachute?" He asked. I nodded again. 

"Excuse me?" Bucky blinked and looked at me like I'd committed the highest felony in the world, "Why did I ever let you leave my sight? You could've died."

"Don't you have something to panic about?" I asked. 

"Your suicidal-ness."

"Im not suicidal."

"Could've fooled me dumbass."

"Bitch."

"Go fuck yourself." He stuck his tongue out at me as up to punctuate just sentence. The teenage boy giggled when I swore. Just then the nurse called us back. She had him take off his shoes to get measured, 5'11 1/2. Then she weighed him, that she didn't tell us. She took us back into a white room with a cushioned leather bed covered with tissue paper. On one wall was a counter and a sink. She asked us a bunch of questions and gave me a form to fill out while she went to get the doctor. 

The first half was easy, any known physical or mental conditions, prescriptions, things like that. The second half was harder, sexual orientation, gender identity, preferred pronouns, self esteem level, general mood. I was almost done when the doctor came back in. She was wire thin with tattoo sleeves and 12 piercings that I could count. She introduced herself as Dr. Siple. 

"How's James today?" She smiled at him, 13 piercings. She has one on her tongue. 

"I go by Bucky, and I'm alright." He tried for a smile. 

"Awesome. So, I believe Steve set up the appointment for you, correct?" She bit at her two lip rings. 

"And filled out the paperwork." He nodded, "He asked me questions if he needed too."

"Do you mind of I see your sheet?" She turned to me. I handed her the clipboard and she glanced it over, "It's been a while since I've seen a genderfluid. And I'm assuming you said you preferred 'he' for convenience."

"How'd you guess?" He smiled. 

"What about now?" She asked, pushing herself up on the counter.

"He." 

"Cool. And you're wondering about blood draw?" She asked. She had bright eyes, it was a bit odd seeing her. 

"I hate saying it but yes." You could see the nervous energy wash over his face. 

"Needle-phobe?" She raised an eyebrow. He nodded. "Can I ask why you need one then?" 

"We want to see if I have nutritional deficiency." He explained, swinging his legs like a toddler, "See, I was in the army and I got captured by the enemy. They put me through hell and back and now, I have Steve to help me. I'm getting better."

"I see. So, I'm just going to give you this sheet and have you fill that out while I go order the blood work. It's for you, not Steve this time." She smiled and left the room, after giving Bucky a new sheet on a clipboard. He held it on his lap when he was done. She came back with a few papers for me, she explained where we had to go, who to talk to, how to get there, everything. She handed me a map and circled the room we had to go to. 

~*~

I bought Bucky a big bottle of water to drink. Dr. Siple told me it would help make his veins pop out and make it easier on him. While I drove, he chugged his water, I think being anxious made him thirsty. He was shaking and I think he was having trouble breathing. 

"Are you okay?" I felt horrible for forcing him through this. 

"I'll be better when it's over." He told me. He was sweating buckets and I had to help him walk inside. I gave them all the information and a very sweet blonde lady brought us into a small room. Bucky was suddenly gripping my hand like his life depended on it. She explained what she was going to do and told him to pick an arm. He rolled up his right sleeve to show the inside of his elbow. She tied a piece of blue rubber around his arm and he held tightly to my hand with his other hand. She rubbed his arm with alcohol and pulled out a syringe. She poked around, getting progressively more worried. 

"I can't seem to find a vein on this arm. Let me look at the other one." She frowned at him. He just raised an eyebrow. 

"Yeah, of course, if you can find it in a ravine in Europe somewhere." He faked a smile. 

"I'm sorry?" She asked. He pulled the sleeve of his left arm up, revealing the shiny metal, "Oh. I'll keep looking on this arm." She kept poking and then stuck the needle into his flesh, he closed his eyes and held his breath. He nearly broke my hand I think. His face went white for the few seconds that passed while she filled up the viles. When it ended, he took deep breaths and slowly let go of my hand. 

"You're a fantastic boyfriend." She told me afterwords, when Bucky was waiting in the car for me. 

"I'm not his boyfriend." I corrected. 

"I think he wants you to be." She smiled, "If you want my advice, I'd say give it a go."

"I don't know. He's going through a tough time and I don't really think he needs it right now." I tried to make up am excuse. 

"Most of the time it helps." She nodded, "If you need to, you can just ask him."

I decided it would be alright if I took him out to eat as a celebration for facing his fear. Nothing fancy, just a trip to McDonald's, he likes the French fries. After that we went home. He still had his sleeve rolled up and wasn't bending his arm, the nurse had wrapped his arm up and I don't think it was very easy to bend. 

~*~

Bucky and I sat in front of the TV. He needed to know who this new doctor was. I sat behind him and braided his hair. I loved feeling it. I thought about what the nurse had told me. How I've been told the same thing multiple times. How it was so obvious he loved me, I just needed to take the chance. 

"Steve, my head hurts. I'm going to go get some medicine." He looked back at me. 

"Okay. Make sure to check the bottle and see how much to take." I reminded him, I didn't want a repeat of last time. 

"Don't worry Captain." He half smiled. I wasn't sure if he was starting to remember or he just knew I was Captain America. I didn't have time to ask him, because he got up too quickly. When he sat back down I asked him why he called me that, "Because you're my Captain. You lead me. Without you I'd be lost, I don't know. It sounds stupid when you say it out loud." He smiled a little. 

"It really doesn't." I shook my head. 

"I think I used to call you that." He rested his head on my shoulder, "Is that why you picked _Captain_ America? Because I called you that?" 

"Maybe." I couldn't help but grin. He's remembering things. My problem is wanting him to remember. Right now it seems okay, but eventually he will know about us and I don't want to see his reaction. He had never liked it when I kept things from him, but I was terrified. 

"Hey, I was talking to Natasha earlier." He looked confused. I was praying to every God I know of to say he didn't remember, "She said you flew a plane into the ocean." I released a breath a didn't know I was holding, "You had plenty of time. I saw the statistics. Did you know that you had all that time?" 

"Yeah." I nodded. I didn't like talking about it. 

"Then why didn't you save yourself?" This was almost worse than him remembering. 

"That's a story for another time-"

"No it's not." He turned around to look at me, "We can talk here and now. Not answering my question is making me worried."

"It's not something I like to talk about. We'll say that Bruce and I have more in common than you think." We did. We had bonded over our unlikely similarity. It was an odd kind of friendship, but it worked. 

"Can you answer my question or not?" He was looking downright deadly. Like he would strangle the answer out of me if he had too, he wouldn't. 

"Later."

"No. You are going to answer it now." He was standing up now, "You're scaring me. That was after I fell, I don't know what was happening. You have to tell me why you didn't wait."

I wasn't getting out of this, I knew I wasn't. I just took a deep breath and started, "What you have to understand, was that it wasn't just one thing."

"What did you do?" He looked scared now. He sat next to me. 

"It had been a problem for years. It still is, just not as severe." I tried reassuring him. Though it was hard, considering the circumstances. 

"Steve?"

"It wasn't your fault. You're going to blame yourself, I know it. And it wasn't you." I had to drill it into his brain. He didn't need more self-esteem issues. 

"What happened?" He looked worried. Really worried, he was biting his lips and his eyebrows were brought together. 

"I had been having problems with depression for years okay?" I waited for him to nod. I could feel my heart drop, "When you fell, I thought you died. You were the only thing I had left. My new body had given me some things back, but not enough. Peggy wasn't like you, she didn't have what it took to stop it." This is when I started to get choked up, "I flew it into the water because I couldn't think of any reason to keep going. The bad guy was dead, I would be saving millions of lives, there were more benefits than consequences."

"So you attempted suicide." His jaw dropped. I nodded, "Because I died."

"Bucky. I told you it wasn't your fault. It was the straw that broke the camal's back." I explained. He was blaming himself, I told him not to do that, "Maybe if things were just a little bit better or I wasn't depressed or a million other things, I would've been fine. And if it hadn't, then I wouldn't have found you."

"But if I hadn't fallen off that train we could have lived together. I wouldn't have to try and remember everything, I wouldn't have my issues, I wouldn't have this fucking arm." He waved his hand around. 

"We wouldn't have been happy." I didn't go into details about how we could get married now, or have little babies together, hell, with SHIELD we could probably grow our own baby. 

"Is that something to do with our thing going on before I left? Did we start as fuck-buddies before falling in love with each other? However will we explain to our baby girl?" He said, sarcastically. I think he's sick of not knowing, and has just given up. 

"Very funny. Why don't you go make us popcorn and we can watch another episode.

"After that confession, I'm not letting you stay in the next room by yourself." He raised an eyebrow at me. 

"Calm down. It's the future, I medication for it." I smiled at him, "Which I don't think I've taken today. Mind getting me some? It's blue." 

"Promise not to jump out a window? We're on the 7th floor." He reminded me. 

"I promise. And I jumped farther than that and lived. I'll be fine." I hoped that was comforting. And I guess it was, because he stood up and started making popcorn. He looked through our pill drawer until he found the bottle with the printed label on it, stating my name, the kind of meds, and whatever other information I simply had to know. He brought me a glass of water and set it next to me. I hated pills, but I gulped it down and got it over with quickly. 

I could hear quiet popping from the kitchen. It had become a comforting sound. The smell of butter filled the air. It took me a ridiculously long time to figure out how to work a microwave. Tony spent two weeks explaining how a microwave worked and what the buttons did. I heard a beep and then Bucky yelling. 

"Steven Grant Rogers!" He stormed into the living room and slapped me. I grabbed my cheek as he started pacing around. 

"What the hell?" I had no idea what was going on. 

"What do you mean what the hell?" He was very angry at me, and I had no idea why. 

"You yelled at me and then slapped me." What was going through his head, I had no idea. 

"Because you fucking deserved it." He wasn't angry I decided. He was practically on fire with rage. 

"What did I do?"

"Nothing." He smiled, angrily at me, if that's possible, "Absolutely nothing."

"How does that make any sense at all?" This is what men complain about when they say that they don't know why their girlfriend is mad at them. 

"Because you should have told me!" He yelled at me.

"What?" The more he talked the more confused I got. 

"On your 21st birthday, you asked me if I thought about doing guys. I told you I do guys and we almost kissed. A week later we did. We hooked up. You knew this would happen, you drew me. I told you you were crazy and it would never happen. Right before I left, I asked you to marry me. You said yes, that night I bought you that necklace instead of a ring." He pointed to my throat, "And you're still wearing it. That's our engagement ring, and you've been wearing it for 70 years."

"Oh. That." I wasn't ready for him to know, and yet he did. 

"That's it? You're such a stuck up asshole." He left to get the popcorn and he sat on the other corner of the couch. 

"Can you tell me why you're so upset about it?" I tried to be sweet to him, which was hard at the current moment. 

"Fuck you. Oh, wait, I already did that, twice." He crossed his arms. 

"I'm sorry, Buck. I was terrified you'd leave." I tried to explain. 

"You thought I would leave?" He rolled his eyes, "Yeah, it's not like you saved my life or anything. And not to mention, you're the most beautiful man on earth. Or your blue eyes that look endless, or the way your eyes crinkle up when you laugh, or how you make me feel safe, or how you calm me down, or the fact that when I'm with you I never want to leave." He was starting the soften up a bit. 

"Bucky." I reached for his hand. He jerked away.

"Just because you're insecure doesn't mean you have to forget how to use your brain." He sneered. I knew it would be bad, just not this bad. 

"I'm sorry." I tried to patch up the hole I had made without noticing. 

"You thought I'd leave because we loved each other?" He questioned, "I saved your life. When I barely knew your name, I came back. I wanted help, from you, because I knew you would take care of me, and I didn't even know you." He explained. 

"Can we please just forget and watch The Doctor save everyone? Maybe he'll help us?" I wanted so badly to just grab his hand and pull him close. 

"I'm not forgetting." He stood up and went into our room. "I need to go." He had changed into his girl clothes and left. All I could think was _I fucked up._ Did he have to leave? I needed to put everything back together. 

~*~

*Bucky POV*

So what if I was a boy. Skirts and heels me me feel better. He could have told me, and cleared up so much confusion. I had liked him since I knew who he was, and since I was remembering things, I knew I loved him for a long time. Way longer than I should've allowed. 

I was so happy it was raining, I love the rain. I leaned on a building because I wanted to figure out where I wanted to go. A group of young boys, with saggy pants and sideways hats (did they think that was attractive) came up to me and started talking trash to me. 

"I thought you had to be pretty to sell yourself. Oh wait it's just a dirty crossdressing whore." One of them yelled at me. 

"I thought straight people were supposed to be funny. Unless you're not." That was something he wouldn't be able to handle. I could read him like a book. 

"Even if I was, I still wouldn't make myself look like a slut." You could tell he was a little fazed. I was getting somewhere. 

"That's because you do that without even trying." I shot back. My breathing hadn't even changed. 

"You can go fuck yourself." He yelled at me. 

"Why don't you try borrowing your sister's vibrator." I was enjoying myself. 

"I don't have a sister." He was trying and failing to keep his cool. Even his buddies were starting to root for me. 

"Top bad. I'd ask for help fucking me, but these heels are bigger than your dick, so it'd be pointless. And these are my small pair." That was true. 

"You're just a bitch." He was running out of insults and I was just getting started. 

"Tell me something I don't know." I wasn't even making eye contact. I saw a ridiculously tall blonde guy walking towards us. 

"Steve?" I wasn't sure why he was following me. I made it clear that he needed to leave me alone. 

"Bucky. What are you doing?" He was wearing a blue hoodie. He had something stuffed in his huge pockets. 

"You're boyfriend is Captain America?" One of the other guys asked me. 

"It's complicated." I started walking towards him. 

"You can't just strap on a pair of shoes and leave, Buck. You know I worry." He looked at me, concerned. 

"And I told you to leave me alone." I crossed my arms. With my shoes on, I was nearly taller than him. 

"You know I can't do that." He was starting to bite his lips, "Can we just go home please? I promise no more secrets. I'm willing to do anything. I'll sleep on the couch, or at Tony's, or whatever."

"Tomorrow, you owe me a date." I made my terms. 

~*~

*Steve's POV*

"What?" I was shocked. Was this all that I got for keeping that from him? 

"We're starting over." He promised, "I don't care where you take me. Just make it somewhere good. Tell me what happened. Help me remember."

"That's it?" I asked him. 

"No sex." He shrugged. 

"Even the first time around we didn't until we were engaged." I explained to him. I still think that was too early for me. 

"Good. I'm still figuring me out. You're figuring you out. I don't want sex until we figure us out." He held his head high. 

"I brought you your jacket." I pulled out his favorite hoodie from my pocket. The one he insisted on buying that looked like my suit. He slipped it on and latched to my arm again. It felt amazing to touch him again. And tomorrow I was taking him on a date. After our little fight, we started to patch things up and make it better. And I still got to snuggle with him tonight.


	9. Date Night

I woke up with Bucky's head tucked under my chin. 9 of 10 times that meant Buck was a girl today. I just pretended that it was a normal day, but it wasn't. He made me promise that I would take him out today. I still didn't know what we were doing. 

I made coffee and waited for that pretty face to nuzzle itself in my neck, just like every morning. Sadly it didn't. She put the pink card up on the fridge, just like I predicted, and sat across from me. Still mad apparently. 

"Any idea where we're going yet?" She put her feet up on the table and leaned back in her chair. 

"I'm deciding." I nodded, "And this is where we eat, Bucky."

"But I'm comfortable." She snapped back. She had never liked taking no for an answer, with everything. 

"Too bad." I relaxed into my chair and tried to think of ideas. She sneered, but listened to me. I could take her to dinner, but that was a bit too cliché for my tastes. Movies were too distant. I knew of a few shows that were in town. I decided on just asking her what to do. 

"Just take me out to New York. There's bound to be something here to do. Even a day out would be nice. Ice cream, we could go to a museum, who knows what's out there." She shrugged, I mean she wasn't wrong. 

"Sure. What could go wrong?" I asked myself. It seemed like a good idea, "Finish your coffee, go change and we'll leave."

"Cool." She smiled at me. When she had emptied her cup, she walked into our room. I had already put clothes on, so I was waiting for Buck. I was just praying I didn't fuck it up. Again, she was in a skirt and shoes that looked impossible to walk in. She was balancing on toothpicks. How are those even real? I don't understand. 

~*~

Our first stop was frozen yogurt. It was about 10, so it wasn't particularly busy.

"So," I started. I had gotten an idea while we were walking, "Every place we go, we're going to play a game. If you win you get one point. Whoever gets more points by the end gets to pick the movie we watch tonight."

"Sounds fun. What's the challenge here?" She asked, smirking just a little. I had never liked it when she looked like that. 

"We make each other's yogurt and whoever finishes their entire thing first wins." I smiled at her, "Rules, has to be a small sized bowl, you can only use your spoon to eat, and no more than four toppings, not including syrups or whatever, only one of those."

"Is whipped cream a syrup or a topping?" 

"Topping." I sent us off and loaded Bucky's with Chocolate frozen yogurt, nuts, Oreos, gummy bears, whipped cream, and strawberry syrup." It was hard making something gross with candy and chocolate. 

We paid and sat down on a little couch next to a window. That's why u loved this place, they didn't have tables and chairs, they had couches and recliners. I examined my dish and noticed sour gummies, of course that's what I got. Everything else was fine though, sprinkles and vanilla, with Carmel and whipped cream. 

I counted down from three and we each dove in. I hit my first candy, my lips puckered together as I chewed through the sour coating into the sweet center. Bucky was already halfway done with her's. She had discovered my weakness and was playing dirty, just like when we wrestled when we were kids. 

"Looks like I win." She held up her cup and leaned back on the couch. 

"Shut up." I pushed her a little, making her laugh. 

"Where's our next stop?" She asked. Still obviously smug about her victory. 

"The candy store." I smiled. Even if we just had frozen yogurt, what harm would it do? We're genetically modified super-soldiers. What would sugar possibly do to us? I stood up and held my hand out. She took it and let me take her next door to the fairly large shop. 

"What's the game?" She glanced up at me. The whole room smelled like cotton candy and little kids chased after each other, with tired looking parents following close behind. 

"Guess the Jellybean flavor. We buy a small bag of jellybeans and we each pick out ten for the other person to eat, whoever guesses more wins." I explained. She nodded, "Anything goes."

"My favorite kind of game." She smirked, and there was that mischievous glint I had come to love. 

"Go." I sent her off, and she ran (as best she could in those shoes) to the large, clear tubes full of jellybeans. I picked out my 10. Each was a vastly different color, so I could tell the difference. I waited for her to head back so we could collect a small bag full of them. 

We sat across from each other and set our beans down on the table between us. 

"You first?" I asked, she nodded, "Close your eyes so the color doesn't give it away."

"They're closed." She groaned. I stuck a candy in her mouth. She chewed carefully, "Bubblegum. Easy."

"Correct." I closed my eyes and she placed the bean in my mouth. I started chewing. It wasn't hard to figure out, "Cotton Candy."

"Good." She smiled when I opened my eyes. I missed that smile. We took turns and eventually I won. I had 9, she had 8. But we still got jellybeans, which wasn't that bad. 

~*~

We visited Sam next. We had to turn as many things upsidedown as we could without him noticing. He was suspicious of our visit at first, and why Bucky was in a skirt. 

"We have discovered that she is genderfluid." I explained. I picked up a photo, probably of Rylee or something. I didn't really pay attention. I pretended to look at it, before I discreetly flipped it over. 

"So he's a crossdresser now?" He asked. He crossed his arms, if he noticed I flipped the picture, he didn't show it. 

"First off, you misgendered her." I pointed out, "Second of all, she only crossdresses sometimes. Whenever she's a girl, she dresses like a girl, if she's a boy, she dresses like a boy. I think she likes it though, so if she's upset she takes a walk in her getup." 

"Was this just out of the blue?" He asked. I had forgotten that we hadn't told anybody but Nat yet. And being a therapist, Sam would want to know. I wondered into the kitchen and flipped the cookbook on the stand upsidedown. 

"At first it seemed like that, but then I thought back on it and it made sense." I had never visited him before, so I had an excuse to pick things up and glance at them, "See, in the 1940s, gender identity didn't really exist. But I can remember her getting uncomfortable sometimes when referred to as he."

"I thought they wrote a few books about transgendered people in the 30s." He looked confused. 

"For sex reasignment surgery, yes." My mom had a copy of Lili Elbe's autobiography when I was younger. I'm pretty sure she thought I would end up as one of those 'trannies' that she read about, "Once the war started, they weren't treated very well. Most of the time they were considered mentally ill and went through a lot of the same treatments that people thought would cure homosexuality. Well, I say treatment."

"All I know about that is from the Imitation Game." He shrugged. 

"Then you know the diluted version." I nodded, "He got off with nothing but a warning if you compare it to other things they did." 

"That's why you're so terrified of loving Bucky. Isn't it?" He asked. 

"Partially." I nodded in response. 

"You should tell me what's up." He said, "We're getting coffee together next week. Saturday, at 11. The usual place."

"Won't be late." He often took me out for unofficial therapy sessions of a sort. Mostly we drank coffee and I told him what was on my mind. 

~*~

Bucky won again. We had one challenge left. We went to the store and bought a big bundle of flowers. We divided them up so we each got 6. We were to hand them out to anyone we thought deserved a better day. Whoever handed out theirs the fastest, won. 

I handed the first one to a teenage girl, her dark makeup was running down her face. I handed her the flower and she smiled. I told her it was to cheer her up and asked what her story was. 

"Thank you." She nodded, "My mom kicked me out when I told her I was a transgender boy." 

"Then she needs to learn that she has a very special child." I told her, "I recommend cutting your hair and wearing less makeup. I thought you were a girl. Just a suggestion. I'm actually on a date with my genderfluid partner." I waved at Bucky and she blew me a kiss.

"It means a lot." He wiped his face and walked away. 

I gave one to an old man who was celebrating his late wife's birthday, a man (Maybe 20's) who just broke up with his boyfriend of 2 years, a little kid in a stroller crying because he scraped his knee, a woman who had just left her abusive fiancé. My last flower was given to an old man. 

"You look familiar." He pointed at me. 

"I've probably been on the news once or twice. I can never keep up." I shrugged it off. 

"Do you happen to be Captain Rogers?" He asked. 

"Actually yes." I nodded, maybe he was a WWII vet and recognized me. 

"I remember when I was little. You were chasing a Nazi down the street and he grabbed me." He explained, "He threw me in the water and you came to see if I was okay before chasing after him."

"Really?" I could hardy believe it, "That was right after I got my muscles. And you still remember that." I could. It was a turning point in my life. 

"How could I forget." He smiled, "Captain America saved me from Nazis."

"I was just doing my job." I nodded. I glanced over to Buck, who was trying to get me to come over, "Excuse me, but my date is trying to get my attention and she isn't the most patient of people. Have a good day."

"And you too Captain Rogers." He walked away and I went to see why I was needed. I think I saw his jaw drop when I started talking to Bucky, who was a boy (as far as anyone else could tell) in a skirt and heels. Not exactly what one would call old fashioned. 

"Hey, Captain." She glanced up at me, "Seeing as you're finished, and obviously won, mind helping me out?" 

"Sure." I helped her give out the last few flowers. We had one left when a scene unfolded across the street. A young man got down on one knee and pulled a ring box out of his pocket. Everyone was silent as he asked his boyfriend to marry him, the other held his face in his hands and started sniffling. It took a few moments for him to stutter out a yes, but when he did, his now fiancé stood up and hugged him tightly. It was heart warming as everyone clapped for them. I grabbed Bucky's hand and pulled him across the road. I took the flower from her hand and gave it to them. 

"Consider it a congratulations." I smiled at them. Now they were both tearing up a little. 

"Thanks." The taller one, and the proposer, told us. He was absolutely beaming. He kissed his fiancé's cheek. 

"Wait are you Captain America?" The other one asked. 

"Yes I am." I nodded. 

"And this is his date." Bucky rested her head on my shoulder, "Bucky. I'm a crossdressing amputee."

"Bucky Barnes?" 

"Huh, gee, what other 90 year olds named Bucky do you know of?" She raised an eyebrow. 

"Point taken." The smaller one laughed, "but I thought you died."

"I did. But then I didn't. And then brainwashing. And then Steve. And then here we are." She grinned sarcastically, "But before that we were engaged and you were not very appreciative of my need to spend forever with you."

"It was 1941 and I almost had a heart attack if we held hands in public." I reminded her. 

"You shouldn't hide your love, Steve." She scolded me. 

"It was not only illegal, but also considered a mental disorder." I had to force it into her brain, even now, "If you weren't arrested you were put into therapy. So excuse me for not wanting to get electrocuted everytime I found a man attractive."

"So full of excuses." She rolled her eyes at me, "I still got you to say yes though. And you're still wearing the necklace I bought you."

"I didn't want to loose it." 

"And that's why it's tucked under your shirt right now." She pulled on the chain to the three stars and let the silver necklace flop out, "I think I win. Can I pick our movie?" 

"Nothing with a lot of gun violence, you know what happens to you." I reminded him, "Sorry about that."

"Not a problem." They smiled at me. 

"Congratulations again." I pecked them each on the cheek and ran to catch up with Bucky. I glanced back to see the couple grow increasingly more excited. 

~*~

We settled on this thing called Harry Potter. His aunt and uncle made Bucky angry and she crossed her arms in front of her chest, she curled into my lap. She had taken off her shoes and changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. It was a pretty good movie, I really liked it. Apparently there were 7 books and 7 more movies to watch, so I was pretty set for a while. 

"Steve." Bucky nuzzled her head into my neck. 

"Yeah?" This was a strange time to be wondering if she still like getting her hair pulled. 

"I think I'm a boy now." He rolled over so he was straddling me, "I'm not sure, I've never switched in the middle of the day before."

"Do you feel like a boy?" I asked. He nodded against my shoulder, "Then you're a boy."

"I'm starting to remember something." He smiled against my skin. It felt fantastic. 

"What?" I liked where this was going, Bucky's hands on my chest, his mouth on my neck. It was perfect. I wasn't used to it, but I liked it. Normally his arms were curled around my waist as he pulled me into his lap and peppered me in kisses. 

"Cash or Check?" He asked me. It was almost like war flashbacks, but good. This was almost the exact same position we were when he asked me that question the first time, only opposite. 

Before I could answer, I got a text from Sam confirming our coffee date. He took my phone from my hands and set it gently on the small table next to the couch. 

"Sam can wait for you to reply." He was inches away from my face, "But I can't. Cash or Check?" 

"Cash." I smiled and waited for him to move in closer. I met him halfway in a sweet, careful kiss. I missed that so much. I broke us apart soon after we started. Bucky didn't like that idea. He grabbed my face and smashed our lips together. This one lost all carefulness, and was replaced by heat and passion and need.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer. His shirt rode up just enough for me to run my hands over his lower back. His skin was so soft, but I could feel the beginnings of long scars that ruined the perfection of his skin beautifully. I'd never felt so close to anyone in my life, even when I was with Bucky the first time around. 

He was different this time, more vulnerable. Before he wanted, no, _needed_ to be in control, now he was willing to surrender and let me lead. When he used to smell like bakeries and cheap cologne, he smells like spices and campfires. He tasted less like apples and more like chocolate with a sharp undertone of mint. 

He broke away suddenly. My lips were already begging for him again. Is it possible to get addicted to kisses? 

"Oh my God." He laughed quietly, "I didn't know how much I needed that until now." 

"Can this mean we're together again?" I had to ask. That was my ultimate goal, and I somehow hoped it would never happen. Fuck you part of brain that said this was a bad idea, this is the best idea I've ever had. 

"Oh hell yes." He grinned and pecked my lips again. 

"Good." I smiled at him, "I'm kind of tired. We should go to bed." It was 11 at night and Bucky didn't do well when he was tired. 

"We probably should." He moved off of me to let me stand up. He went to climb off the couch after me, but I swept him up like my bride and carried him to our bed. I set him down gently and moved in next to him. I tucked my head under his chin, he pulled me in closer to him. I loved laying like this, I always have, "I missed you."

"I did too." I couldn't help but grin, 

"I didn't even notice how much was missing until I got it back." He cradled me in his arms. It was perfect, "You had it worse though."

"How so?" I had no idea how I was better off than he was. 

"You remembered and couldn't do anything about it." He pressed his lips to the top of my head, "I didn't know that this was even an option."

"I could still do this with you, couldn't I?" I asked, "That was always my favorite part. I like snuggling so much more than most anything else."

"Then it's a good thing I'm clingy isn't it." He joked. 

"It makes everything so much easier." I laughed and buried myself in him. It wasn't long before we had both drifted into sleep, still clinging tightly to each other.


End file.
